How much do most of you know about your roots? Generally, a majority of my audience, all ten of them or so, are first or second generation Asians, and so they've probably been beaten over the head (with a hammer) on how important it is to "stick to your roots," as if being an Asian is inherently intertwined with one's personal identity. To the majority, they can certainly dispute this claim, as it is subjective. Many things are. However, for myself, a Vietnamese American second generation, I love the culture which I carry on in my heart and my physical features. Pho and Bầu Cua Tôm Cá are just as meaningful to who Matthew is as my introspective and curious nature, or my goofiness when I get lost in the swing of things. Yet, there's always been that aching feeling, one which has made me feel a disconnect with those of my own background. Perhaps it's because I can barely speak my mother tongue while others can fluently navigate conversations. Or maybe it's my lack of knowledge of Buddhism when I visit the temples. No matter what it is, the feeling of loneliness which has pervaded my sense of self for most of life.
The pensive sadness described by my cultural dissonance is related to the sense of outsider-ness which has been described in my earlier posts. I've always felt like an outsider, not in correlation to my family, but with most of the outside world. My friends value me, but if that's the case, why have I not been invited to a friend hangout, not once or ever, for a good chunk of my lifetime? My dad and his vibrant Gen-X sense of humor likes to say that "you're too nerdy to be invited anywhere, people will think you're uncool." My Aunt loves to blame it on the idea that I'm not proactive, that the reason I didn't get invited to Danielle's "picnic makeshift prom" was because I didn't ask about it (despite her not knowing that only Danielle's closest friends were there). My cousin likes to pin this lack of social activity on me not having an Instagram, where all the local hubub happens. No, I don't think it's any of that. I think that, simply put: I never felt at home with many of the friends I made, or the Vietnamese community which surrounded me.
I like to think that I'm quirky, because I love weird, esoteric avant-garde things like obscure anime from the 2000s, random Monet paintings, and random indie films from New Zealand which millions would go a lifetime without hearing about. Yet, it's probably a detriment to my relationship with my friends too. Yet, there doesn't seem to be much that connects me with many of the people which have weaved in and out of my life. "Hey what sport do you play? Wait it's not Basketball or track? Oh, I guess we won't see each other on the field then." "Have you listened to the latest single which Doja Cat dropped? Aww man never mind about music then." Aside from academics, I had nothing of any substance to speak with peers on. Now, in the past, I've advocated for liking your own things, no matter how weird they be, even if others don't like it. Yet, as a person, I personally need people to be around me, it's my life force, one of the things that makes me truly happy. I wanted to feel close to the people I was acquainted with, the people who would go on to spend the rest of their adolescence with me. Maybe you can go as far as to say that I don't really fit in with this generation, but that's quite a bold claim. Ultimately, I always felt like the undeveloped side character of someone else's shows, you know. That one guy.
In my own household, I have no problem fitting in. I was raised here. I love my parents, my grandparents, my brother, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins. Yet the home I desired was not in the direct family I already had. I wanted to find my place, my calling, with friends, and with others who bear the color of my own skin. I'm not sure exactly what was the home I wanted.
Somewhere I've never felt out of place with was my love of Disney films as a teen and as a kid. They're magical, enchanting, immersive. Cynical adults can deride the films all they want with their cold hearts, but if Mickey Mouse can make a kid smile, you've got something truly special and meaningful on your hands. Recently, I had a hankering to watch Disney's Moana once more. On first watch, months back, I thought the film was okay, but it did not leave any real impression on me. As the days flew by, however, I began to think about the themes of Moana for some reason, because as I always do, when I feel down in life, I think of films and themes which resonate with me. It may not have left an initial impression, but what the film was trying to say clearly stuck around in my mind for a long while. So today I gave it a rewatch, and I fell in love with it. It was an emotionally poignant feature. My favorite Disney film, Meet the Robinsons, also tackles issues in an emotionally resonant way, and so I decided to tackle them today. So I hope you enjoy my ramblings on how a Polynesian girl and a brainiac kid inspired me to keep searching for my place in my world.
On this rewatch on Moana, what immediately struck me was the use of warm and vibrant colors which fill the screen and calm the senses. The island aesthetic is gorgeous, with deep blues, sea greens, and much of Moana's journey being a visual marvel. Although a majority of the film surrounds Moana and Maui merely sitting on a tiny sailing boat, the visual architecture of the film is always stunning, especially during sunset scenes in which the sky seems to bleed beautiful shades of orange and blue and yellow, all at the same time. The trees feel luscious, and give the environment a sense of life, vibrancy which serves to reinforce the paradise state which Moana and her village are seemingly content with staying in. Although, the only real issue would be that quite a few scenes are set in the night time, rendering it quite difficult to view under inopportune watching circumstances (aka anything but pitch black darkness). The character designs, while a bit homogeneous in terms of villager variation, are very well designed, and they allow for quite a bit of expression, something which Disney is always wonderful at doing. The ocean has always been a beautiful place in my eyes, and so my attention was always held.
The music is genuinely gorgeous, with memorable lyrics by the great Lin Manuel Miranda, whose "I want" ballad is certainly a fantastic one to boot. We Know the Way is one of my favorite Disney songs, and when Moana declares she knows who she is, it is one of the most powerful moments in any recent Disney animation film. Mark Mancina's instrumental score also makes fantastic use of Tyka drums and vocals, which give the film a unique sense of voice, fitting the film's culture and personality, rather than merely having a generic orchestral score reliant on blending in. Moana's characters are quite layered and nuanced should one dig below the surface of their traits. The father, while a stereotypical angry father of Disney canon, is genuinely sold by the command and anger which Temura Morrison conveys in his own voice. It feels so real. Then there's the quirky crazy lady trope, brought to you this time by Moana's grandmother, whose eccentricity stands out, but her maternal warmth is what wins me over. Another small character moment I adore immensely is during the How Far I'll Go Reprise, in which Moana's mother catches her packing, but helps her and bids her farewell. It may not be what Moana's mother wished for, but she has to let her daughter go, trusting that she'll make the right choice. If that isn't a loving mother, I don't know what qualifies as one. And of course, Tamatoa the crab is hilarious and totally unnecessary, but Jermaine Clement absolutely kills it in the role.
Maui is one of the most interesting Disney sidekick characters in a while, as he's not really a sidekick, or meant for comedic relief. He is Moana's equal. His arc is genuinely moving and portrays the weight of legacy and the love which one needs from people. The Rock is very funny as Maui, and sometimes the humor doesn't work. But the humor is much more arrogance framed as comedy, self-deprecation for the sake of a laugh. His humor is intrinsically linked to his personality. Maui is arrogant, and in way over his head, but it reasonably stems from self-esteem issues, the idea that he was abandoned, and simply wants love from others, which is why he does anything and everything. Perhaps this fear of being abandoned and unloved also explains his disposition with regards to Moana, treating her as nothing more than bait, planning to handle situations by himself, and shutting himself off emotionally, jokingly hiding a broken interior. It's all the traits of toxic masculinity rolled into one, and it's only broken by the help of Moana, her tolerance of him, and her demonstration that one is more than the weapon they wield. Maui's journey towards acceptance of guidance from others, towards learning to face something head on, rather than run away, form a potent and resonant story arc which reminds us of the power of having someone there for you, even when you lose your way.
Moana's character is among one of my favorite Disney princesses now. Even on first watch, I could tell that Moana was a wonderful character and role model for people to look up to. She is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She's brash and sometimes too headstrong, simply being guided by her natural instincts. There's plenty of instances in which this works to her disadvantage, especially in a crucial scene where her recklessness essentially breaks Maui's self worth. Yet, she's still so admirable in my eyes. With the large wave of strong female characters being the trend now, sometimes, people tend to forget to add personalities to the characters (looking at you Mulan remake). Yet, Moana's character feels as alive as ever. There's an edge to her, whenever she mocks Maui or cracks a joke, but you can also see a wide spectrum of emotions from her, ranging from absolute fear of Tamatoa the crab, to gasping when she accidentally injures Maui, to moments of introspection in which she feels she's lost her way. Although not fully dynamic and complex, the range of emotions demonstrated makes her feel fresh and loveable. She's also very physically capable, and is never a damsel in distress. Most people would likely give up on Maui due to his sheer arrogance. Yet, Moana's determination to stick with his difficult nature (excluding world-ending circumstances) says a lot about her tolerance of people, and her ability to work through things until the end, always moving forward. Her feelings towards the end of the second act, feeling that she's lost her way, that she's unsure of who she is, it felt so personal to me, because of my struggles with my roots. So seeing her find her way by taking in the lessons and values of those who came before her, it was extremely powerful.
I also can't help but feel attached to her because of what she means. While not necessarily a film which takes inspiration from Asian cultures, the representation of Pacific Islands still means something to me, that a billionaire company did much research to positively portray foreign cultures in a bright light. Although I can't comment on the amount of accurate representation in the film, and know that Coco did representation to a far greater degree, I admire Moana for taking the first step, towards making something which I may not find pride in what her film means, I admire that there will be many generations of Maori kids and Samoans who cherish this film because they finally feel seen by the media (shut up I haven't seen Raya yet ok, ion wanna pay 30 dollars).
Thematically, the main theme at play here is certainly whether to follow tradition, or to follow your own path, your calling. Moana is a bit of an outsider, because she's not content with just the island life. She wants so much more, as most Disney characters do. She ultimately chooses to follow her own path, and the tale of Moana, is in a way, reflective of Disney itself. In a way it’s almost a meta narrative for Disney, who’s struggled in the past, especially during the 2000s, where they became stagnant, using those dvd sequels and tv shows to garner money, not really pushing boundaries in terms of their animation, and letting studios like Laika and Dreamworks and Blue Sky rise to prominence. But they kept voyaging on, changing art styles and letting in new talent. Moana is their declaration, that they’ll continue to push the boundary of entertainment, that they’ll put 100% of their effort in, that they know the way, and will continue to give people movies that remind them of home, or give them a place to feel at home with.
When I was around five or six years old, Disney Channel was my universe. To my knowledge, while not done as frequently now as it was done back then, Disney Channel used to always play many films which screened recently. The era which a small Matthew grew up in was that of Bolt, of Up, and my favorite of them all, Meet the Robinsons. Although, for the better part of 8 to 9 years, I forgot that the film existed, until I started reviewing films back in 9th grade on another blog page which shall not be mentioned. I was musing over the various underrated films I could shine a spotlight on, and suddenly, the adventure of Lewis and the Robinson family popped into my mind.
Being one of Disney's earliest CGI animated efforts, the film pales in comparison to those of modern day standards, but it is still fluid, and very expressive. The slapstick comedy works wonders, and some of the frog comedy is peak comedy. The entire future aesthetic is very well done, and I cherished my time spent with the family. The wide family is crazy and chaotic, but they're family nonetheless, and so it's beautiful to see how unified they are, how the story of two people falling in love can create something as marvelous as an entire house filled with 20+ people.
Most of what I love about the movie lies in the subtext and themes. Lewis is an orphan, and so, he often never feels at home, and constantly searches for home, which to him, means a family which will love him unconditionally. He finds it in his future, but he continues to hold onto the past, in the hope that he will find his mother. Bowler Hat Guy just wants to be accepted, much like Maui, and he very sympathetic in that regard. Lewis' failures continually hit me square in the heart, because there are many times in which I feel that I have failed in life. But the story's message, to keep moving forward, is something that I've carried in my heart, for as long as possible. No matter how bad the world feels, or how disconnected you feel, keep striving to work hard, to make a better future, and eventually these things will come in time. It's something which resonates with nearly everyone, but it holds a special place in my heart for carrying me through a dark time. That ending, it leaves me in tears every time.
I think I was able to make peace with my roots last year, when I joined my school's Southeast Asian Student Association. I was afraid of feeling left out of everything, or not feeling invited, as I had felt before with the Vietnamese community, and with many friends. But they were so welcoming. I remember Soly's smile being the warmest thing ever, us making fun of Beatrice, Ally's strict but charming mom-like demeanor, Andrew's encouragement, Noah's excitement to be there. All of it was so warm, like how my mom and dad used to hug me tightly when I was young. I loved talking to them, and they would always be receptive to me, making me feel seen, making me feel heard and invited. In essence, it was the first time I truly felt like I was at a friend gathering and hangout.They didn't even care that I was a "fake" asian and that I could barely speak Vietnamese, we all just cherished our heritage and took pride in the fact that we were able to represent it. Even if I can't speak Viet still, I still loved the times spent with my Southeast Asian buddies (most of whom are readers of this blog).
Disney was one of the ways I was able to connect with them. I would always speak with Megan on various Disney news, and Beatrice and Gabby and I worked together to come up with what Disney characters each member of the Talent Show troupe fit. Disney is one of the few ways I feel connected to others. The films produced by Walt and his company often tend to revolve around outsiders, helping them be themselves, as they search for a home. It's why I resonate so much with Disney, because I feel so much for what the characters go through. Moana is the ultimate Disney film in this respect. It's about finding a home, as in, accepting yourself, and finding the people that you can lead and will help you as well. They’re voyagers in the film, in search of a place they can call home. But the winds of change facilitate that nothing lasts forever, and so it’s like this cycle of constant change, carrying the dreams and hopes of those before us, so that we can continue on. Lewis found his home too in one of my favorite Disney films. Disney also resonates so much, because it reminds me of my family. My parents used to embrace me tightly as the lights dimmed in my room, and we watched Pinocchio on a crusty dvd in a cold winter night.
Perhaps that's what home means to me. A home means feeling the warmth of others, feeling safe, secure, that you are wanted, you are happy, and those around you love you just as much as you love them. I'm heading off to UCSD soon. The Wind will rise once again, and new opportunities will show up. I know I haven't had the best of luck with feeling quite like I belonged, but I'm hopeful. Like Lewis, I'll keep moving forward, and like Moana, I know the way, taking everything in, and showing my true self to the world. I'm certain that at UCSD and beyond, there will be many people (and maybe even some girl) that will love me for who I am, and maybe then, I know that I'll have found a place, my place, to call home.
Author's Note: Thank you everyone for reading again! Sorry for dying for a whole three months haha. It means a lot to me, and you guys are awesome. Whenever any of you read my posts, I always feel at home, and I appreciate you so much for that. In regards to the ideal home from a physical standpoint, you're looking right at it lol. That farm aesthetic is just the best. Anyways, this post was probably the messiest one in a long time, but as always I 100% put my heart into it. Below I'll leave a playlist of songs which evoke that sense of comfort and safety that I've been rambling about. Until next time :))
-Matthew
Moana and Meet the Robinsons are streaming on Disney +
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